Couples Counseling: what to expect.
Couples seek counseling when they are struggling to find hope and the possibility of change in the face of deeply painful and difficult issues. Whereas once they were in love and living the dream, they now find themselves trapped in a nightmare of unhappiness.
Concerns range from constant arguing to aching silence, feeling alone in the relationship, lacking physical or emotional intimacy, infidelity, alcohol or drug dependency, sexual dysfunction and betrayal with online sex and pornography, financial problems and betrayal, difficult family members, differences in parenting, and more.
Over thirty years of working with couples has given me a deep toolbox for addressing the variety of reasons couples seek counseling — often as a "last resort." Frequently couples tell me that I am not the first therapist they have seen, and some have been told by other therapists that they are "beyond help and should get a divorce."
I have yet to see a couple I believed was beyond help, for whom there was no hope or path forward together. When both members are willing to show up to see what can happen, there is hope. Where there is hope, there is possibility. This is the space in which transformation — and yes, even miracles — can and do happen.
How I Work With Couples
In the first session, I will gather a history of your relationship — from each person's perspective — and what outcome you are longing to have. My role is not to assign blame or be a referee.
I will quickly move your conversations from talking at each other to listening deeply and letting each other know you make sense. When each of you feels truly understood and validated, you can shift into finding workable solutions together. It is my job to get you there, beginning with the very first session.
It is normal to feel unsure, skeptical, or even negative about coming to counseling with your partner, especially if you have tried counseling before. When you feel stuck, unhappy, in pain, or to the point of "I've stopped caring," it can feel impossible to believe that trust, passion, and intimacy can be rekindled. Yet I have been honored to witness time and again the remarkable reconnection and healing that couples achieve with one another. Most couples feel encouraged and more hopeful after the first session.
In my experience, as few as three 90-minute sessions will give you momentum and the basic tools and concepts for happier connection. After the first session, you will decide as a couple if you want to continue this work, and there is never an obligation to do more than you wish to do.
While I cannot guarantee outcomes, I can say that when couples consistently apply these concepts and tools to change their interactions, I have yet to see them fail to create a significant positive difference.